It’s no secret that being within the Defence ‘lifestyle’ that it comes with some very unique challenges. From the moment our person enlists, there are so many uncertainties – posting cycles and relocations, exercises and deployments and the seemingly never-ending cycle that can cause us to start over every 2-3 years.
As partners, family members, and the boots back home, we’re often the ones holding all’o’the things together, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy – in fact, we could even go as far to say that it’s Tuff 😉 – and it doesn’t mean that we deal with it all perfectly #CueTheMeltdowns
When my husband joined the RAAF in July 2022, it was an introduction to a whole new world. He was “older” in comparison to the average age of people in his training group and had come from a career as a police officer. That made me - as his partner - not only older than most of the other recruits, but their partners as well! And as it’s often been said, you’d think we’d be used to the military way of life because of his prior background #dreamin
We tried our best to adapt to the requirements of his new career, with little visibility of what we, as the family, would be walking into. His enlistment date was only 7 weeks from application, and the term whirlwind didn’t quite cut it. It was like a cyclone had whipped in and turned our lives upside down overnight.
Here are 3 tips that have helped me to navigate the journey from enlistment to relocations to his training exercises away; with my take on what it means to be ‘tuff’ as a Defence partner.
1. Lead with self-kindness
Defence life can push you to your limits, there’s no denying that. Between integrating business ownership, regularly parenting solo, and managing all of the day-to-day home/social/family life things, I felt lost amongst everything – like I was at the bottom of the food chain.
Self-care has been something I have spoken about for a million moons, and I realised I’d let it slide; to the point that I was being completely unkind to myself. So I chose to lead with a nurturing and nourishing mindset to drown out the flow of unhelpful thoughts.
This can look like allowing space to rest and binge watching a series on a weekend, drinking a cup of coffee while sitting with the smalls in the shower, turning over the neverending to-do list so that it isn’t staring at me, and accepting that some days..? Good enough is more than enough.
Being kind to myself was also about letting go of the guilt associated with the [ridiculous] self-imposed expectations. When we’re giving back to ourselves, we recharge our energy to keep on going, even when things get tough.
Community and connection are hugely important
Relocating to a new place can feel isolating. We don’t just move to the suburb over – it’s between states. Starting over again and again takes a toll, and the idea of finding new friends can feel exhausting. However, when you’re ready to step outside, building connections makes a huge difference to your mental health.
Whether it’s joining a playgroup, an event run by the community centres, connecting with other defence families at the local coffee catch ups, (if you’re in business) attending networking events, or even just introducing yourself to your neighbours, those small steps help create a sense of belonging. It doesn’t have to be immediate, and it doesn’t have to be deep - sometimes, just having someone to share a coffee with can be enough to make a new place feel like home.
Two of my most meaningful friendships started from [literally] falling into the doorway of a Veteran support services office in Wagga, and another began as a “hello” to the door person at a business networking event when we moved to Ipswich. Those simple connections have been a lifeline during deployments and relocations.
Create your own family traditions to keep some familiarity
In a life that’s constantly changing, creating traditions or routines can provide your family with a sense of stability. These traditions or routines remind everyone that, no matter where you are, home is about who you’re with.
No matter how chaotic the move, a little tradition makes the new space feel like ours. It might be a Sunday morning pancake ritual, trying a new café on the first Saturday of every month or movie night on Fridays in mum and dad’s bed.
These little consistencies don’t have to be complicated - they just need to feel familiar. They create continuity for kids (and parents!) and help make transitions a little smoother.
As defence partners, we’re often seen as the rock; the one who keeps everything steady, no matter what. It’s not about pretending everything’s okay or carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
It’s about flexibility and resilience. It’s about showing up for ourselves, even when things are hard, and giving yourself permission to be imperfect and lean on others when you need to. We have to embrace the mess, the challenges, and the growth that comes with this life, otherwise we can easily sink and become lost.
Being “tuff” isn’t about doing it all – we’re humans, not robots.
Defence life is a journey of constant change, and with a little extra self-kindness, courage, connections, and some traditions, we can find joy and stability amidst the chaos.
Tuff Rings featured in the photos of this blog.
